BTVS fic: Her Gift
Mar. 5th, 2014 08:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
craterdwellerTitle: Her Gift
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Medium: Fanfiction
Size/Length: 5007
Prompt: Gifts
Rating: PG-13 for language
Summary: Buffy discovers her gift
Content Notes: Post-Chosen. I haven’t read the comics, but I “borrowed” the idea of the Slayer base in Scotland. Some angst, but as per cottoncandy_bingo rules, has a happy ending.
Buffy sighed as she closed the library door behind her. She really wasn’t looking forward to reading a bunch of diaries written by former Watchers, but Willow, Xander, Dawn and even Faith had out-voted her. She pulled down one of the more recent diaries and began to read.
She slammed shut another journal. This was a waste of time like she knew it would be. She had skimmed a dozen journals and they all sounded like Travers. Pompous assholes, all of them. Some treated their slayers like servants requiring them to do all the menial household chores. Others used them for their own gratification. And there was one, she shuddered. She looked at her watch. She’d promised two hours. Fifteen minutes left. She was tempted to take a little nap, not like anyone was going to quiz her or anything, but then she felt guilty. She was trying to repair the damage of the last few years in Sunnydale, with Dawn in particular. Sighing she took one from the stack that her sister had chosen. She slammed it shut. These were Giles’ official journals. She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. To hell with this. I wonder if I can add a rule to the new Slayer handbook. One that allows the Slayer to kill annoying little sisters. She took several more deep breaths. Buffy wasn’t really angry at Dawn. She knew the teen missed Giles and couldn’t understand why she couldn’t forgive him. Buffy shook her head and glared at the rather large stack. Apparently her Watcher had quite a lot to say about her. She pulled the one from the bottom of the pile and flipped to the back. Might as well at least see what he wrote about my death.
“Buffy?” Dawn called from the doorway.
“What? I’m reading, like I promised. You didn’t have to check up on me.” She snapped.
“Uh, it’s almost two a.m. I just wanted to say, goodnight.”
Buffy looked at her watch in disbelief, but it was true. She’d come down here just after dinner. “Uh, sorry, Dawnie. I guess I lost track of time.”
Dawn eyed the journal her sister was holding. It was one of Giles’. She chose her next words carefully, “His, um, personal journals, are in his weapons bag, if you um, want them. Willow was going to take them to him on her next trip to the Coven.”
Buffy narrowed her eyes, her anger reflexively coming to the surface. But, it vanished when she saw her sister brace herself. She closed her eyes and took a calming breath. Dawn was not the enemy. She opened her mouth to reply but Dawn was already talking.
“Look, I’ll get them and leave them here. You can read them or not.” Dawn had fled before Buffy had a chance to protest.
She sighed and looked back at the journal in her hands. She hadn’t expected the painstakingly detailed account of her final battle with Glory. Suddenly she was back in the Magic Box, berating the previous Watchers for being prigs and not giving a detailed account of their slayer’s last battle. She could still recall Giles’ pained look when he had confessed that if they were anything like him they’d have found it too painful. He had honored her wish and had spared no detail. Including the fact that he had killed Ben. Actually, that had been the one thing he had been brief about. He stated that he had killed Ben to prevent Glory’s possible return. Period. She decided to start from the beginning and was on her third one when Dawn had interrupted.
She stared at the familiar weapons bag on the floor. Did she really want to read his personal journals? She was still so angry at him. Maybe it would be better if she just let Willow take them. She was surprised he’d left the bag behind and tried to recall the events of three months ago. They’d been discussing the new Slayer’s council and Giles had disagreed with something she’d said. She couldn’t even remember what anymore. Nor did she remember lashing out at him. A crying Dawn told her later, that she’d said something like, “If I want your opinion I’ll ask for it. Wait, I’ll never want your opinion.” Giles had said nothing and left the room. Or so they’d thought. Apparently he’d grabbed the keys to the car he’d rented and drove off. When he hadn’t returned by the next day, Willow called the Coven. They tracked him down and were able to assure Willow that he was in no danger but stopped short of providing a method of contacting him. A determined Willow had then tried her own locator spell but had been rebuffed by powerful wards. A very angry leader of the Coven had then teleported to the compound and told Willow off. There had been no word from either the Watcher or the Coven since.
She sighed. Well, at least Dawn was speaking to her again. Sort of. Damnit! I am not the villain here. He’s the one that went behind my back and tried to kill Spike! Buffy scratched head in frustration and glared at the weapons bag. Almost as if she was daring it to argue with her. She pushed aside the pile of his official journals and made her decision. Tomorrow. I’ll look at a few of them tomorrow. After I’ve had a few hours sleep.
The next morning on the way to breakfast, Dawn stopped by the library to see if Buffy had touched the weapons bag. She was startled to see her sister already sitting at the library table reading. Buffy never got up this early voluntarily. The wet hair, pulled hastily into a ponytail, the only evidence that her sister had even left the room last night. Dawn noted with satisfaction that Buffy had set aside the official journals and had started on his private ones. She closed the door quietly so as not to disturb her and hoped for a miracle.
“Whatcha doin, Buffy?” Willow asked as she entered the room.
“Hey Wil, do you remember when Amy’s mom put that vengeance spell on me?”
“How can I forget? That was way scary. You coulda died, Buffy.”
“Yeah. Take a look at this. Giles wrote down the spell he used to reverse it. Was this as dangerous as it sounds?”
When it was apparent that Buffy was not going to relinquish the book, Willow leaned over the table to get a closer look. Her eyes widened in shock.
“Judging by your look, I’m guessing the answer is yes.”
“Yeah, Buff. He could have died from that spell. Amy’s mom was pretty powerful, and he offered up his own energy to reverse it. Good thing watchers take their oaths seriously.”
“Not watchers, Wil. Just Giles.”
“What do you mean? I thought all watchers took an oath to protect and serve the Slayer.”
“Yeah. But,” she gestured to the pile of watchers diaries she’d read last night, “I don’t think any of them would have risked their lives for their slayers like that.”
“But Giles said that most watchers died or went into seclusion after their slayers died.”
Buffy frowned at the pile of journals on the table. “Maybe. But do you think Wesley or Travers or Gwendolyn Post would have risked their lives?”
“I dunno, Buff. But Wesley didn’t turn out so bad.”
“Yeah, once he was fired and wasn’t taking orders from the Council.”
“What are you getting at Buffy?”
“I’ve been reading Giles’ journals. Both the ones he submitted to the Council and his personal ones. I always thought that he was recording my every mistake and bad decision.”
When it didn’t seem like Buffy was going to continue, Willow prompted, “Not so much, huh?”
“God, Wil. He made it out like I was a hero. And if I did make a mistake or a bad decision, he tried to take the blame for it. Like he failed me. And if he couldn’t blame himself, he still tried to make it like it wasn’t my fault or that it wasn’t so bad.”
“He loved you, Buff. He was just too British to tell you.”
“Loved. Past tense.” Buffy looked up and Willow could see the regret. “I was so angry at him for leaving me.”
“Well, yeah. That was not his best decision. You needed him and he left so you could stand on your own two feet? Pfft.”
“No. Well, yeah. But that wasn’t the whole story.” She caressed the journal, unaware she was doing so. “He tried to reach out to me. He even let down some of that British reserve, but I kept pushing him away. He, he thought I still hated him, because of that fight we had right before I died. He said that stuff about me standing on my own because he didn’t want to burden me with his feelings. He really thought that his being there was making things harder for me.”
“Well, okay. You two have never been the best communicators when it comes to your feelings. But you forgave him right? When he came back?”
“I dunno. I thought I had. But then with all that stuff that happened with the First? Maybe I wasn’t as over it as I thought.”
“The First did quite a number on all of us, Buffy. I mean, we threw you out of your own house! I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to know for sure how much of it was us and how much of it was manipulation by the ultimate evil.”
Buffy sighed. “Well it wasn’t The First that drove him away three months ago, Wil. That’s all on me. He hasn’t even tried to call you or Xander or Dawn. Did you know his father, two nephews, and dozens of friends died in the Council explosion? I didn’t even know his father was still alive. I never asked. I never asked about any of his family. It was always all about me.” She looked down morosely.
Willow didn’t have anything to say to that. Despite wanting to comfort her friend, the truth was, that they had all taken Giles for granted. And unless something changed, it was unlikely they’d ever see their friend and mentor again.
* * * * * *
“Are you sure the Coven is okay with this?” Buffy asked for the hundredth time.
Willow sighed and glanced over at her friend. “Why wouldn’t they be okay with it? The Coven has worked with the Council for over a hundred years. It’s not like they don’t know about slayers.”
“They may know about slayers, but Giles has been friends with them forever.”
“Your point?”
Buffy rolled her eyes. “I hurt him, Willow.”
It was Willow’s turn to roll her eyes. “So? I tried to kill him and almost ended the world. And I’m still welcome there.”
“Yeah, but you’re a witch. There’s probably like some rule or something.”
They both giggled. “What are you really worried about, Buffy?”
“What if he’s there?”
“Giles?”
Buffy nodded. “Well, then I’m sure Jane has told him that we’re coming. And if he doesn’t want to see us, he’ll find someplace else to be.”
Buffy stared out the window, but Willow could tell she wasn’t paying attention to the passing scenery. Buffy’s request to come along had surprised her. When Dawn had approached Willow with the idea of having Buffy read Giles’ diaries, she had been more than skeptical. At best, they had hoped Buffy would get a sense of closure and be able to move on, minus all the anger. But something in the diaries had touched Buffy profoundly. Her attitude towards Giles had done a complete one eighty. Now the Slayer seemed haunted by regrets. She must have found one of Giles’ shirts in his weapons bag and every so often she would pull it tightly around her, like a security blanket.
When they arrived at the Coven, Jane invited Buffy to explore the grounds and make herself at home. Buffy wandered through the English garden until she came to a small bench. From the stone bench she had an unobstructed view of not only the blooming rose bushes, but of the gently rolling hills of the Devon countryside.
Jane Harkness observed Rupert’s slayer for several minutes. Buffy was sitting on his favorite bench with her arms wrapped around her knees. In her hands she clutched one of his journals. Willow had filled Jane in on the events in Sunnydale during their battle with the First Evil and the months that followed, up to and including the final disagreement a few months ago. This had been very helpful as Rupert had not been very forthcoming, saying only that he had been dismissed from service by his Slayer. Unsurprisingly Buffy’s aura was as disturbed as Rupert’s. Not wanting to startle a slayer, she cleared her throat and said quietly, “This is Rupert’s favorite spot.”
Buffy jumped up from the bench, but retained her grip on Giles’ journal. “Uh, sorry, I didn’t mean,” she gestured vaguely. “I’ll uh, go.”
“Buffy, what are you apologizing for? Please, sit. I didn’t mean to disturb you, but if you have a moment, I thought maybe we could talk?”
Buffy sat back down reluctantly. Jane was a bit surprised at the young woman’s nervousness. For most, she would have chalked it up as a reaction to the magics. But Buffy had spent years around powerful magic. Not only had she lived on the Hellmouth, but both her Watcher and one of her best friends were powerful spellcasters.
“You must hate me.”
“What? Buffy, why?”
“I’ve hurt him so much. And Willow said you’ve been friends for years.”
Ah, the picture became clearer. “I assure you Buffy, I do not hate you. I have nothing but the greatest respect for you. You’ve defeated the First Evil and are making sure that others that have joined the battle do not have to do it alone.”
“That’s just it! I didn’t do it alone!” Buffy stood quickly, clearly agitated. She took a few deep calming breaths which Jane immediately recognized as one of Rupert’s techniques. “Ever since I’ve been called, I’ve always complained about all the sacrifices I’ve had to make. Poor Buffy, can’t have a normal life. Poor Buffy, had to send her boyfriend to Hell. Poor Buffy, finds out from scary First Slayer that death is my gift. Poor Buffy, poor Buffy, poor Buffy…” She stopped her tirade and picked up the journal that was laying on the bench. “I was so busy feeling sorry for myself, I didn’t give any thought to all the people that were helping me. Or their pain. Their sacrifices.” She sat back down on the bench, her hands idly caressing the journal’s spine. “Did he ever tell you about Catherine Madison?” When Jane shook her head no, she continued. “I’d only been in Sunnydale a few weeks. I was determined to join the cheerleading team.” She smiled at the memory of Giles’ reaction to her announcement. “Giles wasn’t happy about it, but I was determined to have my own way. Well, Catherine Madison was this powerful witch who was obsessed with cheerleading. She cast this spell that switched bodies with her daughter Amy so she could relive her glory days. But Amy’s body wasn’t all that athletic and so she started casting these spells to take out the competition.” At Jane’s horrified look she clarified, “She hadn’t tried to kill anyone until she cast what Giles called a bloodstone vengeance spell on me.” Jane’s eyes widened. “Giles cast a counterspell that reversed all the spells.” She looked Jane directly in the eye for the first time. “He offered up his own energies. Willow said he could have died.” Buffy looked back down at the journal. “It was one of the few times that I thanked him. He looked so cute, all embarrassed and stuff.”
Jane touched her arm kindly. “Buffy, I’m sure Rupert didn’t expect you to thank him for performing his duty.”
“That’s just it!” Buffy leapt to her feet and started pacing. “It wasn’t his duty. I’ve met other Watchers. And they wouldn’t have …” She took another breath. “He hardly knew me. And I know I wasn’t what he was expecting as a Slayer.” She waved at the journal. “And that wasn’t the only time. Later that year, I had to knock him out to stop him from facing the Master in my place.”
“Buffy, did Rupert ever tell you about how Watchers are chosen?”
“Well, he said that his father told him when he was ten that he was to be a Watcher, like his father and grandmother. Guessing it was a family pressure thing. I know he didn’t want to be a Watcher. He wanted to be a fighter pilot or a grocer.”
They both smiled at that. “Well, although it was true that many watcher families pressured their children into joining the Council for tradition or status, as was the case with Wesley, that wasn’t true in Rupert’s family.” At Buffy’s furrowed brow Jane hastened to explain. “You know that the Council used Seers to locate potential slayers, well there was a similar spell to identify those chosen to be Watchers. Many who worked for the Council were not Chosen Watchers. Rupert’s father, for example. He dedicated his life to the Council, but he was not destined to be an active watcher. Nor were Wesely or Quentin Travers or your first Watcher, John Merrick. That is not to trivialize their service or dedication. But, just like his paternal grandmother, Rupert was one of the Chosen Watchers. Normally the Seer’s vision matched the potential slayer with her watcher, but in Rupert’s case …”
Comprehension lit Buffy’s face. “But in his case, since they had missed me, they had a big blank.”
Jane nodded approvingly. Rupert had said his Slayer was bright. “Yes, that was why John Merrick insisted that Rupert be sent to California when he found you.”
“But why did they send Giles to Sunnydale? I was in L.A. And why did it take so long for them to send him? Willow said Giles had just arrived like a week before me.”
“Well, you can blame that one on Quentin Travers. He never liked Rupert. He felt that Rupert should never have been allowed to rejoin the Council after his dabbling in the dark magics. So he convinced the board to make him undergo a series of grueling tests that hadn’t been used in centuries to prove that he was worthy to serve the slayer.”
Buffy looked murderous so Jane hurried to continue, “No one knows for certain, but it is believed that although the Slayer essence calls for a watcher, it is the individual potential’s essence that calls for her Watcher.”
Buffy scowled, “So it is my fault. I hurt him before I was even born.” Buffy hugged herself in misery.
“No. There is no blame. And I know that Rupert doesn’t blame you. My point is, that your lives were destined to intertwine. It is evident in your auras. Just as it is evident that you are both suffering.”
Buffy handed Jane a folded piece of paper. “I, would you give this to him? When you return his journals, if he wants them. You can read it if you want and throw it away if you think it will hurt him worse.” Buffy ran off, before Jane could respond.
Jane unfolded the note and read:
Jane carefully folded the note and made her decision. She hurried off to find Willow.
* * * * * *
Buffy lept over the garden wall and ran without direction. She ran for over an hour and could no longer see the grounds of the Coven. It would be dark soon and she didn’t have a stake. In retrospect, not her brightest moment, but she had needed time to think. She pulled out her cell phone. No signal. Fantastic. What was it Giles had told her to do if she ever got lost out in the middle of nowhere? Oh yeah. Find water and follow it. She looked around. Nope, no water. Shit. Buffy felt a slight tingle and then Willow popped in directly in front of her.
“Buffy!”
“Hey, Wil.” Buffy tried to act nonchalant but she didn’t think for a moment that she had fooled Willow.
“C’mon. Grab my hand. I’ll take you back.”
“I don’t suppose we could just pop back to the compound instead?”
“No. Jane wants to talk to you.”
Buffy looked down at her shoes. “Can’t I just call her from Scotland?” Buffy tried her best pout, but the only one that ever worked on was Giles.
“Nope. Ready? Good.” And before Buffy could object Willow had transported them back to the Coven.
“Oh, thank goodness. I’m sorry that I upset you, Buffy.” Jane apologized.
“No. I’m the one that should be sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.” Buffy noticed Giles’ weapons bag on the floor. She fingered the cuff of his shirt. The one that she was still wearing. She started to shrug out of it when Jane’s entreaty stopped her.
“Buffy, wait. Please. I know it isn’t my business. But as you’ve said, I’ve been friends with Rupert for many years now. And I think you should be the one to take him his journals.”
Buffy opened her mouth to protest but Jane rushed on ahead. “Please hear me out. I read your note. And I think you know that he’s already forgiven you. The two of you are alike in so many ways. Neither of you are particularly good at talking about your feelings, but it is obvious to anyone with eyes that you care about each other. And I don’t think that your relationship is irrevocably broken.”
Willow nodded fervently and handed Buffy the weapons bag.
Without warning Buffy found herself on a strange doorstep. Willow had described Giles’ family home to her one afternoon during a lull at Slayer central and Buffy had imagined a place just like this. She turned towards the road, and realized she had absolutely no point of reference. Damn Willow and Jane for their interference. She also noticed that it was full dark now. She looked at the weapons bag ruefully. Well at least she was armed this time. She heard someone moving around on the other side of the door. She closed her eyes. C’mon Buffy. You can do this. You can give him his bag and say sorry and wish him a good life. She knocked before she lost her courage.
He opened the door and his retort to Ethan died on his lips. The last person he had expected to find on his doorstep rushed forward and threw her arms around him knocking him to the ground. Stunned speechless he lay on the floor with his Slayer on top of him. “Buffy?” he finally managed to croak out.
Buffy grunted and hugged him tighter. She felt the emptiness subside, replaced by her Watcher’s unconditional love. She knew she needed to say her peace and then let him live that life he so deserved. But she wanted just a few more moments to savor.
“Ripper, what is keeping you?” Buffy tensed briefly at the sound of the hated voice behind her but willed herself to relax. It was no longer her business. “Liv and Mark are waiting at the pub, with her two model friends. Oh!” He stooped down and picked up the folded note off the floor. His eyes widened briefly and then he grinned. “Well, I’ll just pass on your apologies. Seems like you’ve already got company.” With that Ethan Rayne replaced the note where he found it and closed the door quietly behind him.
“Buffy? Are you hurt? Is it Dawn? Has something gone wrong?” Giles knew he was babbling but he couldn’t get up and pace the floor like he’d wanted. Buffy was still laying on top of him, hugging him fiercely, but saying nothing. Just as he began to worry that something was truly amiss with his Slayer, she got up.
“Giles, could I, um?” She waved towards the hallway.
At first he was puzzled. And dear lord, were those tears in her eyes. Then it dawned on him. She was asking permission for the loo, more than likely so she could compose herself. “Oh, um, yes, of course. Second door on the right.”
He watched her hurry down the short hallway and debated with himself on whether or not he should put a kettle on. Buffy still had not told him why she was here. Or how she had found him. Surely, Jane must have given her the address, which was surprising in and of itself. He never were have believed that she would have broken such a confidence without consulting him first. He frowned and shook his head. He wasn’t sure he was up to dealing with another apocalypse. He looked down and noticed for the first time the note next to his weapon’s bag. He picked it up, intending to return it to Buffy without reading it, but when it fell open he noticed it was addressed to him. He read it quickly and sat down on the sofa in shock. Which is how Buffy found him upon her return from the bathroom.
Shit. He found the note. It must have fallen out of the bag. Well, that should make this easier, I guess. “Well, this is awkward. I was hoping you wouldn’t find that until after I left.” She fidgeted with the cuff of his shirt and waited for him to say something. As the minutes ticked past, she feared she had made a terrible mistake. “Uh, I’ll just go. Take care of yourself.” In a blur she swooped in and kissed his cheek and all but ran for the door.
The stunned Watcher finally got his brain working again just as she neared the door. “Buffy, wait! Please.”
She halted but did not turn around. She wasn’t going to let him see her cry. He deserved to live his life. So intent was she on her own thoughts, she didn’t hear him approach and jumped when he put his hand on her shoulder.
Mistaking her reaction, he hastily withdrew his hand and looked down at the ground. “I’m sorry, too, Buffy. For everything. I failed you as both a Watcher and a friend. I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”
No! God, he’s doing it again. Not having the words to make things right, she flung herself into his arms for the second time that evening. When she felt his tears, she tightened her embrace, but not so tight as to cut off his oxygen supply.
They stood like that for several minutes. Each feeling the most complete they had felt in a long time. Each convinced it would be the last time and neither wanting it to end. And just like that time in the Magic Box, they began to giggle.
“Jane was right.” Buffy said between gasps.
“Right about what, luv?”
“That neither of us are any good at talking about their feelings.”
“Yes, Jane does have a rather annoying habit of being right.” He took a deep breath and gathered his courage. “Buffy, have you eaten? Are you, uh, hungry?”
Buffy blinked at the rapid subject change. Then she noticed that her Watcher’s cheeks had turned a little pink. She grasped at the olive branch. “Actually, I am a little hungry.” Then she remembered something Ethan had said earlier. “Oh, god! You had plans! I’m sorry, I should …” She started to turn towards the door.
He took a chance and stopped her with a hand to her shoulder. This time she did not flinch. “You saved me from another of Olivia’s well meaning, but rather embarrassing attempts to fix me up. That and having to listen to Ethan prattle on all night.” He smiled and was pleased to see her return it.
“Um, you and Olivia aren’t?”
“Goodness, no. Olivia is happily married to Mark.”
“I’m sorry. One more thing I screwed up for you.”
“What? No. No. Buffy, you mustn’t blame yourself. Olivia is a dear friend, and we had something for a little while, but it wasn’t meant to be. So would you like to get something to eat?”
“I’d like that, Giles.”
As he opened the door for her, he said a fervent prayer to the Powers that they were taking a step towards reconciliation.
Buffy sent her own message to the Powers. Thank you. I won’t mess it up this time.
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Medium: Fanfiction
Size/Length: 5007
Prompt: Gifts
Rating: PG-13 for language
Summary: Buffy discovers her gift
Content Notes: Post-Chosen. I haven’t read the comics, but I “borrowed” the idea of the Slayer base in Scotland. Some angst, but as per cottoncandy_bingo rules, has a happy ending.
Buffy sighed as she closed the library door behind her. She really wasn’t looking forward to reading a bunch of diaries written by former Watchers, but Willow, Xander, Dawn and even Faith had out-voted her. She pulled down one of the more recent diaries and began to read.
She slammed shut another journal. This was a waste of time like she knew it would be. She had skimmed a dozen journals and they all sounded like Travers. Pompous assholes, all of them. Some treated their slayers like servants requiring them to do all the menial household chores. Others used them for their own gratification. And there was one, she shuddered. She looked at her watch. She’d promised two hours. Fifteen minutes left. She was tempted to take a little nap, not like anyone was going to quiz her or anything, but then she felt guilty. She was trying to repair the damage of the last few years in Sunnydale, with Dawn in particular. Sighing she took one from the stack that her sister had chosen. She slammed it shut. These were Giles’ official journals. She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. To hell with this. I wonder if I can add a rule to the new Slayer handbook. One that allows the Slayer to kill annoying little sisters. She took several more deep breaths. Buffy wasn’t really angry at Dawn. She knew the teen missed Giles and couldn’t understand why she couldn’t forgive him. Buffy shook her head and glared at the rather large stack. Apparently her Watcher had quite a lot to say about her. She pulled the one from the bottom of the pile and flipped to the back. Might as well at least see what he wrote about my death.
“Buffy?” Dawn called from the doorway.
“What? I’m reading, like I promised. You didn’t have to check up on me.” She snapped.
“Uh, it’s almost two a.m. I just wanted to say, goodnight.”
Buffy looked at her watch in disbelief, but it was true. She’d come down here just after dinner. “Uh, sorry, Dawnie. I guess I lost track of time.”
Dawn eyed the journal her sister was holding. It was one of Giles’. She chose her next words carefully, “His, um, personal journals, are in his weapons bag, if you um, want them. Willow was going to take them to him on her next trip to the Coven.”
Buffy narrowed her eyes, her anger reflexively coming to the surface. But, it vanished when she saw her sister brace herself. She closed her eyes and took a calming breath. Dawn was not the enemy. She opened her mouth to reply but Dawn was already talking.
“Look, I’ll get them and leave them here. You can read them or not.” Dawn had fled before Buffy had a chance to protest.
She sighed and looked back at the journal in her hands. She hadn’t expected the painstakingly detailed account of her final battle with Glory. Suddenly she was back in the Magic Box, berating the previous Watchers for being prigs and not giving a detailed account of their slayer’s last battle. She could still recall Giles’ pained look when he had confessed that if they were anything like him they’d have found it too painful. He had honored her wish and had spared no detail. Including the fact that he had killed Ben. Actually, that had been the one thing he had been brief about. He stated that he had killed Ben to prevent Glory’s possible return. Period. She decided to start from the beginning and was on her third one when Dawn had interrupted.
She stared at the familiar weapons bag on the floor. Did she really want to read his personal journals? She was still so angry at him. Maybe it would be better if she just let Willow take them. She was surprised he’d left the bag behind and tried to recall the events of three months ago. They’d been discussing the new Slayer’s council and Giles had disagreed with something she’d said. She couldn’t even remember what anymore. Nor did she remember lashing out at him. A crying Dawn told her later, that she’d said something like, “If I want your opinion I’ll ask for it. Wait, I’ll never want your opinion.” Giles had said nothing and left the room. Or so they’d thought. Apparently he’d grabbed the keys to the car he’d rented and drove off. When he hadn’t returned by the next day, Willow called the Coven. They tracked him down and were able to assure Willow that he was in no danger but stopped short of providing a method of contacting him. A determined Willow had then tried her own locator spell but had been rebuffed by powerful wards. A very angry leader of the Coven had then teleported to the compound and told Willow off. There had been no word from either the Watcher or the Coven since.
She sighed. Well, at least Dawn was speaking to her again. Sort of. Damnit! I am not the villain here. He’s the one that went behind my back and tried to kill Spike! Buffy scratched head in frustration and glared at the weapons bag. Almost as if she was daring it to argue with her. She pushed aside the pile of his official journals and made her decision. Tomorrow. I’ll look at a few of them tomorrow. After I’ve had a few hours sleep.
The next morning on the way to breakfast, Dawn stopped by the library to see if Buffy had touched the weapons bag. She was startled to see her sister already sitting at the library table reading. Buffy never got up this early voluntarily. The wet hair, pulled hastily into a ponytail, the only evidence that her sister had even left the room last night. Dawn noted with satisfaction that Buffy had set aside the official journals and had started on his private ones. She closed the door quietly so as not to disturb her and hoped for a miracle.
“Whatcha doin, Buffy?” Willow asked as she entered the room.
“Hey Wil, do you remember when Amy’s mom put that vengeance spell on me?”
“How can I forget? That was way scary. You coulda died, Buffy.”
“Yeah. Take a look at this. Giles wrote down the spell he used to reverse it. Was this as dangerous as it sounds?”
When it was apparent that Buffy was not going to relinquish the book, Willow leaned over the table to get a closer look. Her eyes widened in shock.
“Judging by your look, I’m guessing the answer is yes.”
“Yeah, Buff. He could have died from that spell. Amy’s mom was pretty powerful, and he offered up his own energy to reverse it. Good thing watchers take their oaths seriously.”
“Not watchers, Wil. Just Giles.”
“What do you mean? I thought all watchers took an oath to protect and serve the Slayer.”
“Yeah. But,” she gestured to the pile of watchers diaries she’d read last night, “I don’t think any of them would have risked their lives for their slayers like that.”
“But Giles said that most watchers died or went into seclusion after their slayers died.”
Buffy frowned at the pile of journals on the table. “Maybe. But do you think Wesley or Travers or Gwendolyn Post would have risked their lives?”
“I dunno, Buff. But Wesley didn’t turn out so bad.”
“Yeah, once he was fired and wasn’t taking orders from the Council.”
“What are you getting at Buffy?”
“I’ve been reading Giles’ journals. Both the ones he submitted to the Council and his personal ones. I always thought that he was recording my every mistake and bad decision.”
When it didn’t seem like Buffy was going to continue, Willow prompted, “Not so much, huh?”
“God, Wil. He made it out like I was a hero. And if I did make a mistake or a bad decision, he tried to take the blame for it. Like he failed me. And if he couldn’t blame himself, he still tried to make it like it wasn’t my fault or that it wasn’t so bad.”
“He loved you, Buff. He was just too British to tell you.”
“Loved. Past tense.” Buffy looked up and Willow could see the regret. “I was so angry at him for leaving me.”
“Well, yeah. That was not his best decision. You needed him and he left so you could stand on your own two feet? Pfft.”
“No. Well, yeah. But that wasn’t the whole story.” She caressed the journal, unaware she was doing so. “He tried to reach out to me. He even let down some of that British reserve, but I kept pushing him away. He, he thought I still hated him, because of that fight we had right before I died. He said that stuff about me standing on my own because he didn’t want to burden me with his feelings. He really thought that his being there was making things harder for me.”
“Well, okay. You two have never been the best communicators when it comes to your feelings. But you forgave him right? When he came back?”
“I dunno. I thought I had. But then with all that stuff that happened with the First? Maybe I wasn’t as over it as I thought.”
“The First did quite a number on all of us, Buffy. I mean, we threw you out of your own house! I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to know for sure how much of it was us and how much of it was manipulation by the ultimate evil.”
Buffy sighed. “Well it wasn’t The First that drove him away three months ago, Wil. That’s all on me. He hasn’t even tried to call you or Xander or Dawn. Did you know his father, two nephews, and dozens of friends died in the Council explosion? I didn’t even know his father was still alive. I never asked. I never asked about any of his family. It was always all about me.” She looked down morosely.
Willow didn’t have anything to say to that. Despite wanting to comfort her friend, the truth was, that they had all taken Giles for granted. And unless something changed, it was unlikely they’d ever see their friend and mentor again.
“Are you sure the Coven is okay with this?” Buffy asked for the hundredth time.
Willow sighed and glanced over at her friend. “Why wouldn’t they be okay with it? The Coven has worked with the Council for over a hundred years. It’s not like they don’t know about slayers.”
“They may know about slayers, but Giles has been friends with them forever.”
“Your point?”
Buffy rolled her eyes. “I hurt him, Willow.”
It was Willow’s turn to roll her eyes. “So? I tried to kill him and almost ended the world. And I’m still welcome there.”
“Yeah, but you’re a witch. There’s probably like some rule or something.”
They both giggled. “What are you really worried about, Buffy?”
“What if he’s there?”
“Giles?”
Buffy nodded. “Well, then I’m sure Jane has told him that we’re coming. And if he doesn’t want to see us, he’ll find someplace else to be.”
Buffy stared out the window, but Willow could tell she wasn’t paying attention to the passing scenery. Buffy’s request to come along had surprised her. When Dawn had approached Willow with the idea of having Buffy read Giles’ diaries, she had been more than skeptical. At best, they had hoped Buffy would get a sense of closure and be able to move on, minus all the anger. But something in the diaries had touched Buffy profoundly. Her attitude towards Giles had done a complete one eighty. Now the Slayer seemed haunted by regrets. She must have found one of Giles’ shirts in his weapons bag and every so often she would pull it tightly around her, like a security blanket.
When they arrived at the Coven, Jane invited Buffy to explore the grounds and make herself at home. Buffy wandered through the English garden until she came to a small bench. From the stone bench she had an unobstructed view of not only the blooming rose bushes, but of the gently rolling hills of the Devon countryside.
Jane Harkness observed Rupert’s slayer for several minutes. Buffy was sitting on his favorite bench with her arms wrapped around her knees. In her hands she clutched one of his journals. Willow had filled Jane in on the events in Sunnydale during their battle with the First Evil and the months that followed, up to and including the final disagreement a few months ago. This had been very helpful as Rupert had not been very forthcoming, saying only that he had been dismissed from service by his Slayer. Unsurprisingly Buffy’s aura was as disturbed as Rupert’s. Not wanting to startle a slayer, she cleared her throat and said quietly, “This is Rupert’s favorite spot.”
Buffy jumped up from the bench, but retained her grip on Giles’ journal. “Uh, sorry, I didn’t mean,” she gestured vaguely. “I’ll uh, go.”
“Buffy, what are you apologizing for? Please, sit. I didn’t mean to disturb you, but if you have a moment, I thought maybe we could talk?”
Buffy sat back down reluctantly. Jane was a bit surprised at the young woman’s nervousness. For most, she would have chalked it up as a reaction to the magics. But Buffy had spent years around powerful magic. Not only had she lived on the Hellmouth, but both her Watcher and one of her best friends were powerful spellcasters.
“You must hate me.”
“What? Buffy, why?”
“I’ve hurt him so much. And Willow said you’ve been friends for years.”
Ah, the picture became clearer. “I assure you Buffy, I do not hate you. I have nothing but the greatest respect for you. You’ve defeated the First Evil and are making sure that others that have joined the battle do not have to do it alone.”
“That’s just it! I didn’t do it alone!” Buffy stood quickly, clearly agitated. She took a few deep calming breaths which Jane immediately recognized as one of Rupert’s techniques. “Ever since I’ve been called, I’ve always complained about all the sacrifices I’ve had to make. Poor Buffy, can’t have a normal life. Poor Buffy, had to send her boyfriend to Hell. Poor Buffy, finds out from scary First Slayer that death is my gift. Poor Buffy, poor Buffy, poor Buffy…” She stopped her tirade and picked up the journal that was laying on the bench. “I was so busy feeling sorry for myself, I didn’t give any thought to all the people that were helping me. Or their pain. Their sacrifices.” She sat back down on the bench, her hands idly caressing the journal’s spine. “Did he ever tell you about Catherine Madison?” When Jane shook her head no, she continued. “I’d only been in Sunnydale a few weeks. I was determined to join the cheerleading team.” She smiled at the memory of Giles’ reaction to her announcement. “Giles wasn’t happy about it, but I was determined to have my own way. Well, Catherine Madison was this powerful witch who was obsessed with cheerleading. She cast this spell that switched bodies with her daughter Amy so she could relive her glory days. But Amy’s body wasn’t all that athletic and so she started casting these spells to take out the competition.” At Jane’s horrified look she clarified, “She hadn’t tried to kill anyone until she cast what Giles called a bloodstone vengeance spell on me.” Jane’s eyes widened. “Giles cast a counterspell that reversed all the spells.” She looked Jane directly in the eye for the first time. “He offered up his own energies. Willow said he could have died.” Buffy looked back down at the journal. “It was one of the few times that I thanked him. He looked so cute, all embarrassed and stuff.”
Jane touched her arm kindly. “Buffy, I’m sure Rupert didn’t expect you to thank him for performing his duty.”
“That’s just it!” Buffy leapt to her feet and started pacing. “It wasn’t his duty. I’ve met other Watchers. And they wouldn’t have …” She took another breath. “He hardly knew me. And I know I wasn’t what he was expecting as a Slayer.” She waved at the journal. “And that wasn’t the only time. Later that year, I had to knock him out to stop him from facing the Master in my place.”
“Buffy, did Rupert ever tell you about how Watchers are chosen?”
“Well, he said that his father told him when he was ten that he was to be a Watcher, like his father and grandmother. Guessing it was a family pressure thing. I know he didn’t want to be a Watcher. He wanted to be a fighter pilot or a grocer.”
They both smiled at that. “Well, although it was true that many watcher families pressured their children into joining the Council for tradition or status, as was the case with Wesley, that wasn’t true in Rupert’s family.” At Buffy’s furrowed brow Jane hastened to explain. “You know that the Council used Seers to locate potential slayers, well there was a similar spell to identify those chosen to be Watchers. Many who worked for the Council were not Chosen Watchers. Rupert’s father, for example. He dedicated his life to the Council, but he was not destined to be an active watcher. Nor were Wesely or Quentin Travers or your first Watcher, John Merrick. That is not to trivialize their service or dedication. But, just like his paternal grandmother, Rupert was one of the Chosen Watchers. Normally the Seer’s vision matched the potential slayer with her watcher, but in Rupert’s case …”
Comprehension lit Buffy’s face. “But in his case, since they had missed me, they had a big blank.”
Jane nodded approvingly. Rupert had said his Slayer was bright. “Yes, that was why John Merrick insisted that Rupert be sent to California when he found you.”
“But why did they send Giles to Sunnydale? I was in L.A. And why did it take so long for them to send him? Willow said Giles had just arrived like a week before me.”
“Well, you can blame that one on Quentin Travers. He never liked Rupert. He felt that Rupert should never have been allowed to rejoin the Council after his dabbling in the dark magics. So he convinced the board to make him undergo a series of grueling tests that hadn’t been used in centuries to prove that he was worthy to serve the slayer.”
Buffy looked murderous so Jane hurried to continue, “No one knows for certain, but it is believed that although the Slayer essence calls for a watcher, it is the individual potential’s essence that calls for her Watcher.”
Buffy scowled, “So it is my fault. I hurt him before I was even born.” Buffy hugged herself in misery.
“No. There is no blame. And I know that Rupert doesn’t blame you. My point is, that your lives were destined to intertwine. It is evident in your auras. Just as it is evident that you are both suffering.”
Buffy handed Jane a folded piece of paper. “I, would you give this to him? When you return his journals, if he wants them. You can read it if you want and throw it away if you think it will hurt him worse.” Buffy ran off, before Jane could respond.
Jane unfolded the note and read:
Dear Giles,
There aren’t enough sorrys for the times I’ve hurt you. Dawn and Willow made me read a bunch of watchers diaries recently and I realized how lucky I’d been that you were sent as my Watcher. I’m sorry I took you and all you did for me for granted. I’m sorry I didn’t say thank you enough or tell you how much your help meant to me. Or tell you that how much I loved you. I’m sorry I’ve been so angry at you and that I blamed you for things that weren’t your fault.
When you took me on that vision quest the First Slayer told me that “death was my gift”. Death may be my gift to the world, but now I realize that YOU were my gift from the Powers. I couldn’t have asked for a better Watcher, friend and partner. And I threw it all away. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but this really smart guy once told me that forgiveness wasn’t given because someone earned it, but it was given because someone needed it. That it was an act of compassion. So I hope that one day you can forgive me.
Now please go and have that life you should have had.
I’m sorry.
Love,
Buffy
Jane carefully folded the note and made her decision. She hurried off to find Willow.
Buffy lept over the garden wall and ran without direction. She ran for over an hour and could no longer see the grounds of the Coven. It would be dark soon and she didn’t have a stake. In retrospect, not her brightest moment, but she had needed time to think. She pulled out her cell phone. No signal. Fantastic. What was it Giles had told her to do if she ever got lost out in the middle of nowhere? Oh yeah. Find water and follow it. She looked around. Nope, no water. Shit. Buffy felt a slight tingle and then Willow popped in directly in front of her.
“Buffy!”
“Hey, Wil.” Buffy tried to act nonchalant but she didn’t think for a moment that she had fooled Willow.
“C’mon. Grab my hand. I’ll take you back.”
“I don’t suppose we could just pop back to the compound instead?”
“No. Jane wants to talk to you.”
Buffy looked down at her shoes. “Can’t I just call her from Scotland?” Buffy tried her best pout, but the only one that ever worked on was Giles.
“Nope. Ready? Good.” And before Buffy could object Willow had transported them back to the Coven.
“Oh, thank goodness. I’m sorry that I upset you, Buffy.” Jane apologized.
“No. I’m the one that should be sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.” Buffy noticed Giles’ weapons bag on the floor. She fingered the cuff of his shirt. The one that she was still wearing. She started to shrug out of it when Jane’s entreaty stopped her.
“Buffy, wait. Please. I know it isn’t my business. But as you’ve said, I’ve been friends with Rupert for many years now. And I think you should be the one to take him his journals.”
Buffy opened her mouth to protest but Jane rushed on ahead. “Please hear me out. I read your note. And I think you know that he’s already forgiven you. The two of you are alike in so many ways. Neither of you are particularly good at talking about your feelings, but it is obvious to anyone with eyes that you care about each other. And I don’t think that your relationship is irrevocably broken.”
Willow nodded fervently and handed Buffy the weapons bag.
Without warning Buffy found herself on a strange doorstep. Willow had described Giles’ family home to her one afternoon during a lull at Slayer central and Buffy had imagined a place just like this. She turned towards the road, and realized she had absolutely no point of reference. Damn Willow and Jane for their interference. She also noticed that it was full dark now. She looked at the weapons bag ruefully. Well at least she was armed this time. She heard someone moving around on the other side of the door. She closed her eyes. C’mon Buffy. You can do this. You can give him his bag and say sorry and wish him a good life. She knocked before she lost her courage.
He opened the door and his retort to Ethan died on his lips. The last person he had expected to find on his doorstep rushed forward and threw her arms around him knocking him to the ground. Stunned speechless he lay on the floor with his Slayer on top of him. “Buffy?” he finally managed to croak out.
Buffy grunted and hugged him tighter. She felt the emptiness subside, replaced by her Watcher’s unconditional love. She knew she needed to say her peace and then let him live that life he so deserved. But she wanted just a few more moments to savor.
“Ripper, what is keeping you?” Buffy tensed briefly at the sound of the hated voice behind her but willed herself to relax. It was no longer her business. “Liv and Mark are waiting at the pub, with her two model friends. Oh!” He stooped down and picked up the folded note off the floor. His eyes widened briefly and then he grinned. “Well, I’ll just pass on your apologies. Seems like you’ve already got company.” With that Ethan Rayne replaced the note where he found it and closed the door quietly behind him.
“Buffy? Are you hurt? Is it Dawn? Has something gone wrong?” Giles knew he was babbling but he couldn’t get up and pace the floor like he’d wanted. Buffy was still laying on top of him, hugging him fiercely, but saying nothing. Just as he began to worry that something was truly amiss with his Slayer, she got up.
“Giles, could I, um?” She waved towards the hallway.
At first he was puzzled. And dear lord, were those tears in her eyes. Then it dawned on him. She was asking permission for the loo, more than likely so she could compose herself. “Oh, um, yes, of course. Second door on the right.”
He watched her hurry down the short hallway and debated with himself on whether or not he should put a kettle on. Buffy still had not told him why she was here. Or how she had found him. Surely, Jane must have given her the address, which was surprising in and of itself. He never were have believed that she would have broken such a confidence without consulting him first. He frowned and shook his head. He wasn’t sure he was up to dealing with another apocalypse. He looked down and noticed for the first time the note next to his weapon’s bag. He picked it up, intending to return it to Buffy without reading it, but when it fell open he noticed it was addressed to him. He read it quickly and sat down on the sofa in shock. Which is how Buffy found him upon her return from the bathroom.
Shit. He found the note. It must have fallen out of the bag. Well, that should make this easier, I guess. “Well, this is awkward. I was hoping you wouldn’t find that until after I left.” She fidgeted with the cuff of his shirt and waited for him to say something. As the minutes ticked past, she feared she had made a terrible mistake. “Uh, I’ll just go. Take care of yourself.” In a blur she swooped in and kissed his cheek and all but ran for the door.
The stunned Watcher finally got his brain working again just as she neared the door. “Buffy, wait! Please.”
She halted but did not turn around. She wasn’t going to let him see her cry. He deserved to live his life. So intent was she on her own thoughts, she didn’t hear him approach and jumped when he put his hand on her shoulder.
Mistaking her reaction, he hastily withdrew his hand and looked down at the ground. “I’m sorry, too, Buffy. For everything. I failed you as both a Watcher and a friend. I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”
No! God, he’s doing it again. Not having the words to make things right, she flung herself into his arms for the second time that evening. When she felt his tears, she tightened her embrace, but not so tight as to cut off his oxygen supply.
They stood like that for several minutes. Each feeling the most complete they had felt in a long time. Each convinced it would be the last time and neither wanting it to end. And just like that time in the Magic Box, they began to giggle.
“Jane was right.” Buffy said between gasps.
“Right about what, luv?”
“That neither of us are any good at talking about their feelings.”
“Yes, Jane does have a rather annoying habit of being right.” He took a deep breath and gathered his courage. “Buffy, have you eaten? Are you, uh, hungry?”
Buffy blinked at the rapid subject change. Then she noticed that her Watcher’s cheeks had turned a little pink. She grasped at the olive branch. “Actually, I am a little hungry.” Then she remembered something Ethan had said earlier. “Oh, god! You had plans! I’m sorry, I should …” She started to turn towards the door.
He took a chance and stopped her with a hand to her shoulder. This time she did not flinch. “You saved me from another of Olivia’s well meaning, but rather embarrassing attempts to fix me up. That and having to listen to Ethan prattle on all night.” He smiled and was pleased to see her return it.
“Um, you and Olivia aren’t?”
“Goodness, no. Olivia is happily married to Mark.”
“I’m sorry. One more thing I screwed up for you.”
“What? No. No. Buffy, you mustn’t blame yourself. Olivia is a dear friend, and we had something for a little while, but it wasn’t meant to be. So would you like to get something to eat?”
“I’d like that, Giles.”
As he opened the door for her, he said a fervent prayer to the Powers that they were taking a step towards reconciliation.
Buffy sent her own message to the Powers. Thank you. I won’t mess it up this time.
